having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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