i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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