i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
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