i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
