I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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