My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
