My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
