So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
where are my eyebrows?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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