The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
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