I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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