So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
