I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I look better un-naked...
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
