Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
