I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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