haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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