I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
