he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
