I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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