I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
