I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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