So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
