you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
