Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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