the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
