Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
