So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
