I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
