i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
