we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize
