If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
