It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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