i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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