Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
