Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Randomize
