booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
