Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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