I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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