I like to think it a success when the cops are called
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
