if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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