did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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