Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Randomize
