I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
