Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
