like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
