When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Randomize
