All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
