I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
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