HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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