I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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