I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
