ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
