I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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