i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
