Do you still have your period?
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
